Bad (in a good way) kayak humor

[Guest guest]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

[Guest guest]

This one has me rolling in the aisle.

He must have been out of his skull.

My heart sank when I read this.

You should be paddled for posting it.

[John Leonard]

From Wes Boyd's Kayak Place http://www.kayakplace.com/gearboat/mightbe.htm

You might be a kayaker if . . .

# You owe more money on your sea kayak than you do on your car.

# The sight of of a person in a tight rubber suit doesn't seem kinky.

# You have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned on the same day.

# You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

# The heat in the kitchen while dinner is being made is just right for drying wet polypro.

# You regard any form of motorized watercraft as cheating.

# A wetsuit and paddling jacket is appropriate attire in any waterfront restaurant.

# You already have several kayaks and are trying to convince your spouse that you really need another one.

# You paid more for a roof rack than you spent for your anniversary presents (combined).

# You tie down the boat better than you seatbelt in the kids.

# "Waterproof" means "a little damp" or "might-float".

# Your friends or relatives are shocked when you answer the phone at home on a weekend.

# House guests ask you why you replaced your living room sofa with a sea kayak.

# You can't drive over a bridge without looking for water under it.

# The smell of old polypro doesn't bother you.

# Your wife says you love your boat and your boatin' buddies more than her, and she sounds just like your first wife -- and your second.

# Driving 800 miles for a weekend on a river or a lake doesn't seem strange to you.

# Your idea of a complete first aid kit is a roll of duct tape.

# You use a river trip to wash sand and seaweed from your boat.

# You choose a new car based on whether or not your rack system will fit it.

# A dress shirt and tie no longer bother you, because they're looser than a drysuit neck gasket.

# Your boat is worth more than your car.

# Even in the the dead of winter, you never actually lose the PFD tan lines.

# Your dog loves to roll in your pile of paddling clothes.

# You're all dressed up and don't notice that you're being rained on.

# You ask the clerk at Thom McCann how well these wing tips hold up to immersion.

# Every once in a while you touch your paddle, just to touch it.

# Every once in a while you let go of your paddle, just to eat, or something.

# When your non-boating friends visit your home or car, they ask, "Do you have dogs?"

# The idea of a 15,000 mile per year car lease seems ridiculous.

# You have a bathing suit that's wet from March to October.

# You've never set up a tent when it's light out.

# You've ever tied up your mate using either a tautline or trucker's hitch.

# You have friends that you don't recognize without their PFD, paddling jacket, and spray skirt.

# You can ID make and model on a car topped sea kayak at a quarter mile.

# You leave your glasses strap on at night.

# Your only consideration when buying a car is the size of the rain gutters.

# All career, personal and financial decisions are judged by the criteria of, "How will this increase my paddling time?"

# You build a two-car garage addition and you still can't park your car inside.

# You bug out on your wife and kids to go paddling for the weekend because you are SURE your priorities are right.

# You deliberately watch the whole commercial to see the kayak on the car.

# You find yourself humming Weather Channel tunes.

# It takes longer and longer to get your land legs back. Solid ground "feels funny."

# You change oil in the campground in the evening because you haven't had a weekend home in so long and you can't afford to pay to have it done.

# You've lost count of the number of boats you have in your garage or back yard.

# You've gone boating in conditions where you normally wouldn't go outside.

# Your friends call you a "gear head" and you don't know what they mean.

# You've toyed with the idea of just leaving your boat and gear loaded on your vehicle.

# When you hear about a guy in a skirt you think nothing of it.

# The waterproof packaging your food comes in is more important than the food itself.

# When you go shopping, Gore-Tex stock goes up.

# You buy new clothes not by how good they look but by how fast they'll dry.

# You have to take out a second mortgage to build a new boat shed.

# You have an old Grumman canoe up on blocks in the front yard.

# You haven't missed roll practice at the YMCA in three years.

# You divide your life into work days and kayaking days.

# The bars on your rooftop rack are wider than eight feet.

Added April 5, 2002, mostly from rec.boats.paddle:

# You buy a used car specifically because the guy will throw in the Yakima racks for an extra $50.

# You're talking paddling to non-paddlers and not realizing when they've glazed over with boredom or left the room.

# You attempt to roll just about anything that floats at theme parks.

# You notice one day that you like the way your boy/girl friend smells when you both get off the water.

# All your rendevous and evenings out on the town start by meeting with your friends at the local paddling store.

# All your new shirts are some type of long underwear.

# You have more paddles than pairs of pants.

# You keep your boat on top of the car all the time so you can find your car in a crowded parking lot just by scanning the horizon.

# You really like your new office chair that tilts and rotate -- what a great help for your stroke.

# You use the company internet on a T1 for ultra/extra fast weather reports, river gauges and run a search on kayak + paddle.

# You bought a new van exactly like the old one because you do not want to buy a new kayak rack.

# You start thinking seriously about building a paddle pool in your backyard.

# Your 75 year old mother gives you silk long johns for Christmas.

# You go on a business trip, and someone invariably calls the hotel a dump (no matter how nice it is). You start to agree, but then recall you spent last Saturday night sleeping on rocks gently rounded by the forces of nature. Plastic tarp is optional.

# "Small craft advisories" make you praise the Ocean gods.

# You measure major purchases relative to the cost of a new boat -- "Hmmm, that new computer will cost me about 2 1/2 kayak units."

# You freely discuss how much you and others weigh, and don't feel self-concious about it, or about asking others how much they weigh. (Especially true around big guy boaters!! -- WB)

# You feel all mushy inside when your wife gives you a drytop for Christmas.

# After a car wreck, the first thing you check for is damage to your boat.

# You sign up for a TV cable company only after checking out the quality of their Weather Channel.

# You keep a tide chart in your car.

# You highlight the highest tides of year on your chart.

# "Small craft advisories" make you praise the Ocean gods.

# You keep a list of beaches where floats are allowed.

# You paddle a six-mile marathon race and 15 mile sea trip one weekend, then head off on a thousand-mile round trip to a slalom the next weekend (oh, and then another 400 miler to another slalom the next weekend, then a Wildwater race, then .... no free weekends before Christmas now!)

# You evaluate your New Years Eve date on whether or not they're mentally and physically tough enough to finish the General Clinton marathon (70 mi.) AND only ask for a second date if you figure they'll say "Wow! that was great! When's the AuSable?"

# Your wife says its got to be her or the boats, and you say 'Gosh I am going to miss you!'" You're traveling in a pick-up, and when you stop to eat, you leave your luggage in the back, and lock you paddles in the cab.

# At the end of a race you don't have enough energy to climb out of the boat and stumble into the bushes to puke.

# You think that the boat in a Renoir painting is Kevlar.

# You'd have to be anesthetized and tied down to go for a ride on a jetski. (Involuntarily, of course.)

# You consider snow shoveling as training for spring.

# You're old friends with a great blue heron.

# Your yard looks like a cow pasture and the only grass you mow is to your shed.

# You go to an art gallery, are looking at the landscapes and start wondering if there is an access agreement.

# You use more than one type of tiedown for your boats.

# You've decided that a complete set of Polartec underwear would make a nice gift.

# You can't decide if you are spelling "k a y a k" frontwards or backwards.

# You have a huge plastic storage tub that rides in the back seat to hold your wet clothes

[Guest guest]

This is truly scary! How many items do I have to identify to be considered totally hopeless?

Linda and I are actually shopping for a pool for rolling practice in the back yard...so...what's strange about that?:-)

Our neighbor came over on a Saturday morning in June to see if we were ok. He was worried because we were home!

I had to go on a business trip. First thing I did was contact the local kayak outfitter to find out if they had any "serious" boats available.Linda and I end up going out to dinner with the folks who own the kayak place.

We pull up to the valet parking at a nice hotel in RI. Two sea kayaks on the roof. Hey..we're close to water..right?

Seems normal to me!

[Guest guest]

>

>You might be a kayaker if . . .

>

Your cannister vac tips over, all the attachments fall out on the floor, and you think "Capsize...Yard Sale".